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In the Munich Circus... [entries|friends|calendar]
Kurt Wagner

[ website | Xenogenetic ]
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[locked] [04 Feb 2004|03:19am]
[ mood | distressed ]

What am I doing? How could I let myself get so carried away? Where has my sense of honor, of justice, of humility, patience, charity -- gone --

What is happening to me?

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[25 Jan 2004|10:33pm]
[ mood | SQUEE! ]

YES!!!



There is justice in this world!!

Er... apologies.

ButIcan'thelpbeingexcitedIlovedthatmoviesomuchandit'sgettingwhatitalldeservesfinallyfinallyfinally!

...I seem to have filled one of the TV rooms with blue smoke. It should clear out in an hour or so -- sorry about that.
46 BAMF!s| from A to B

[private] [12 Jan 2004|01:57am]
[ mood | conflicted ]

It is so strange.

I know that John has gone on to a better place. The Kingdom of Heaven is no sorrow to enter, and those of us who remain will heal, in time.

And yet...

...I went in there, to save him. To pull him out, to give him a chance at life again. And he still died. The boy was not yet 22 -- we are not more than five years apart. No, why be generous? I am 26 years old. I have already outlived so many here who should not have died.

I know I have my faith, and I know there is a God, and a Plan. If there is no God, then what is my purpose? There must be a God, whose acts are just and unknowable. Why is it, then, that suddenly this does not sit so well with me?

7 BAMF!s| from A to B

Fa-la-la-la-laaa, la la la la! [24 Dec 2003|12:12pm]
[ mood | bouncy ]

For those who are interested, we will be holding Christmas services at the chapel at eight o'clock tonight. I hope to see you there.

Also, on behalf of the other "old folks," may I request that you not open your gifts before 6 AM tomorrow? Or that, if you do, you keep the noise to a dull roar? ;)

A very merry Christmas to all!

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Movies? [11 Dec 2003|01:28pm]
[ mood | curious ]

Ororo, you are intriguing me again...

11 BAMF!s| from A to B

I'll be famous on TV! [03 Dec 2003|09:14am]
[ mood | pleased ]

Note to self: try not to cave in to the impulse sing loudly in the shower. You never know who might hear you belting out "Mouth", and you have a reputation to protect.

But! We have another teleporter! And she is pink, apparently. Wilkommen, Miss Ferguson -- we shall have to meet soon!

15 BAMF!s| from A to B

[22 Nov 2003|02:33pm]
[ mood | sympathetic ]

If anyone knows what it is to be controlled against one's will, it is me. Some days I still struggle with the implications of what happened to me in May, but I also feel I might able to offer some insight into how others might come to terms with this greatest of violations.

As always, I offer any help I can give to students and faculty alike. I am easy to find -- check the attic or the solarium, or otherwise I am up and about, so you can run into me as well. I will never turn down a request to talk.

ETA: Well, except tonight. Jean and I are going out tonight. But any other time!

1 BAMF!| from A to B

I am outside -- give me peace [12 Nov 2003|10:30pm]
[ mood | troubled ]

Ehr sei dem Vater und dem Sohn und dem Heiligen Geist, wie es war im Anfang, jetzt und immerdar und von Ewigkeit zu Ewigkeit. Amen.

It was only so long before our sadness turned to rage. It pains me to see us like this, and to know what scars it will leave. But we must endure each other; God will see us through.

I understand most people do not appreciate such sentiments. But I say it for myself, in the hopes that others take it to heart as needed.

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If on a winter's night a traveler... [02 Nov 2003|07:33pm]
[ mood | nostalgic ]

November was always a hard time in the circus. The carnival season ends with Halloween, and there is too much thought of God and church for anyone to bother with players until spring.

Those were the months we would work on new acts, or make new costumes, or drift off to other jobs until needed once more. We always stuck together, though -- Amanda and Margali and myself and a few core others. That was when we were most together, when the work was more for play than for money. Of course I never stopped loving my family, but I felt like we had something less unconventional when we were rooted to a camp in the winter. A trailer is a close place to inhabit, and you get to know your fellows very well.

I don't know why I bring this up now. I suppose the leaden sky makes me miss Amanda. And Margali, God rest her. I have this new life now, and I love everyone in it. I almost do not know what I did before this and the people I now know. But I cannot help wondering how my life would have been different if I had not dropped Amanda, and run off, and been captured, and...

This goes nowhere. It is all part of the greater plan; I accept it as such.

I really think I could use some hot chocolate right now. Are there marshmallows in the kitchen, does anyone know?

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As the bells toll... [21 Oct 2003|11:06pm]
[ mood | grieved ]

When one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language; and every chapter must be so translated; God employs several translators; some pieces are translated by age, some by sickness, some by war, some by justice; but God's hand is in every translation, and his hand shall bind up all our scattered leaves again, for that library where every book shall lie open to one another.

Words written by John Donne, some three hundred and fifty years ago.

My own words sound paltry in light of what I and all of us feel, and so I turn to the works of others. So also should we bind ourselves to each other in this time of sorrow.

To Logan and to Jean -- I will understand if you both would rather keep to yourselves; I still know the rawness of such a loss myself. But please know that I consider you both friends, and am willing to help you in any manner in my power. This extends to the entire school as well -- our show of grief is not an expression of selfishness, but love, and we are and will be all the stronger for it as the weeks carry us further from this terrible day.

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Mea culpa [15 Oct 2003|10:32pm]
[ mood | weary ]

I have been asleep for the better part of three days. Incredible.

To my students: It is not worth my beginning lessons again so close to the weekend -- I am not up to it yet. German and Acrobatics will recommence at their usual times starting Monday.

I apologize for my sudden disappearance last week. I was not thinking clearly and this time the fault was entirely my own.

[filtered to faculty and friends] I will be in my room in the attic most likely. Visitors will not be turned away, however. Amanda? Ororo? I would like to speak with you most of all.

OOCCollapse )

6 BAMF!s| from A to B

[narrative: the prodigal returns] [13 Oct 2003|12:09am]
[ mood | drained ]

In the Middle Ages, pilgrims walked off their sins in many fashions -- some flagellated themselves with each step; others crawled from France to Jerusalem.

Kurt Wagner keeps to the back roads, hiking trails when he can. The journey from Boston is long by car; by foot, it takes days.

He prays as he walks, the beads of his rosary wearing grooves into his fingers and in the palm of his hand. Not once does he skip through space and hasten his homecoming. Every moment counts, and God hears and understands the work of each instant.

He left the cathedral for what he knows was the last time last Thursday night. He neither stops nor lags, but carries himself until his legs lose feeling and his head wants to float away. The hour he reaches Graymalkin Lane is late, but he pushes himself on, knowing that an arrival awaits him at the end of the road.


Gegrüßet seist du, Maria, voll der Gnade,
der Herr ist mit dir.
Du bist gebenedeit unter den Frauen,
und gebenedeit ist die Frucht deines Leibes, Jesus.
Heilige Maria, Mutter Gottes,
bitte für uns Sünder
jetzt und in der Stunde unseres Todes.

Amen.

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Abyssus abyssum invocat... [07 Oct 2003|10:00pm]
[ mood | anguished ]

Kyrie Eleison
Christe Eleison
Kyrie Eleison

Herr, erbarm Dich unser
Christe, erbarm Dich unser
Herr, erbarm Dich unser

Have pity, Lord
Christ, have mercy
Have pity, Lord


What this is all about and what Kurt is up toCollapse )

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Ghosts and demons left behind [07 Oct 2003|01:41am]
[ mood | grief-stricken; numb; enraged ]

Summary: Takes places immediately after this. Kurt tracks down Margali's murderer to enact some justice of his own.

No thoughts of compassion, forgiveness, Ororo, or justice ran through Kurt's head in the aftermath of the news. Amanda was doubled over in her seat feet away, but the gulf between himself and reality was gaping. He balled his fists and left the room with a crack! He raced along the walls, letting the anger fuel his speed, until he caught up with the Professor and appeared in front of him with a dense explosion of hazy blue smoke.

"Wer ist er?" he growled. "Wo ist er?"

Xavier looked like he hadn't been expecting this. "Kurt, you must calm down. The grief is very fresh, I know--"

"Tell me who did this to her and where I can find him!" Read more...Collapse )

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[filter: faculty and friends] [30 Sep 2003|10:52pm]
[ mood | fretful ]

Amanda is gone still. I don't understand it. She seemed like herself the night she found me, and then after that, it's like I can't even recognize her anymore. The Amanda Sefton I knew as a child was never like this -- I could never have fallen in love with this Amanda. The discovery of her talents cannot have altered her this much, it does not seem logical. But perhaps I am not looking at it with a clear eye -- I have always functioned around my appearance and abilities. The adjustment may exact a different toll in people who manifest later in life.

In any case, it pains me to see her behaving the way she is. Yes, she could be... a bit thoughtless about her choice of companions while we were with our circus, but she never did anything of this magnitude. Pompeii? With a complete stranger? I do not like this Sebastian fellow -- he's very... elaborately constructed, like a building with a golden facade that hides dungeons and torture chambers beneath. I fear that he will hurt her badly, and there will be nothing I can do about it, and nothing I can say to make it better when we speak again.

It is not my business, she says. She does not understand that it is my business -- she is family, and I cannot watch her be harmed without trying to help. It would be wrong to do otherwise, a sin. God teaches patience and compassion but I wonder how much of each I must use before I must take some sort of action. If only I knew.

Und vergieb uns unsere Schuld, als wir vergieben unsern Schuldigern. Und führe uns nicht in Versuchung; Sondern erlöse uns von dem Übel.

[translation]Collapse )

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Unzufriedenheit. [18 Sep 2003|03:03am]
[ mood | discontent ]

Bah.

Women are puzzling.

Guten nacht.

10 BAMF!s| from A to B

In an idle moment... [16 Sep 2003|12:44am]
[ mood | curious ]

...did Amanda do something to her hair?

39 BAMF!s| from A to B

Da ich aber ein Mann ward, tat ich ab, was kindisch war. [08 Sep 2003|01:38pm]
[ mood | shellshocked ]

Not surprisingly, I did not sleep last night.

Professor Xavier called me into his office at sunrise. "Why didn't you tell me?" were the first words out of my mouth, and I don't even believe they were in English. He was calm, as usual, though not serene.

"She had been through too much. It would have done neither of you any good for me to have alerted you to her presence, in the state she was in." It did not seem like a good enough answer, but I could feel it was the right one, which made me sullen. "Kurt, I feel ought to tell you now that Miss Sefton has some amazing abilities of her own that I'm positive have nothing to do with an X-gene."

"Ich höre." I'm listening.

"You have obviously known her longer than I -- did you ever notice anything... well, let's be honest, magical about her?"

A trick question. "Not in the manner you mean, I'm sure."

The professor threaded his fingers together and kept his reaction to himself. "Amanda has the capacity to sorcel. Now, her powers have not been fully explored--"

"What are saying? That she is a witch?"

Xavier studied me with those infinite, measuring eyes. "Yes. I am saying exactly that."

It was easier to look out the window, to watch the fog flood the garden and pretend it is a new day. "It cannot be possible." This was more to myself than him, but in the company of a telepath, every comment is game.

"I admit, I am baffled myself. None of my research has ever indicated that forces outside of genetics can act upon and manipulate humans--"

I shook my head. "God teaches nothing about such things."

Xavier arched one eyebrow. "God teaches nothing about mutants either, Kurt."

* * *

NOTICE: my German and Acrobatics students.
Class is cancelled for today. You may use the time as a free period, provided you are not destructive and you attend your other lessons. Kitty and Illyana, we are still on for power control this afternoon.
If you need me before then, my apologies. I will be with Amanda Sefton and do not wish to be disturbed.

* * *

PRIVATE: for Ororo
Please know that she is a sister to me, and I can only love her as such now. I will explain it to you in time.

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It's a hot, humid Friday afternoon in Westchester... [29 Aug 2003|03:58pm]
[ mood | restless ]

Heiß, feucht, Freitag Nachmittag -- I've had enough of this staying inside!

*changes into a very handy pair of worn red trunk, teleports to the pool just about the surface, and cannonballs in with a very loud and undignified whoop*

2 BAMF!s| from A to B

Love was your great disappointment... [22 Aug 2003|12:24am]
[ mood | grumpy ]

((OOC --

AIM apparently hates acroBAMF with the fury of ten thousand seething aardvarks and won't let me sign on unless I use the infernal AIM Express. Which, incidentally, doesn't let me see who has an away message, who's been idle, etc. So if you get a perky IM introducing myself which promptly moves on to me smiting my computer, then apologies. But! if you want to chat -- and being a chattermonkey, I'm always up for it -- then IM me on my regular screen name BrieflyDel. Hopefully this won't last long.))

In the meantime... YES! *BAMF!*

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